statements that, if i weren't so very professional, i'd attempt to sneak into converation during tomorrow night's parent teacher conferences:

• I find that actually reading my students' essays takes far too much time, so I've taken to assigning grades based on how far each flies when I chuck a stack of them across the room.
• However, this was all before I was stripped of my teaching certificate.
• It seems that your child doesn't respond as well to corporal punishment as the rest.
• I've found that Breakdance Fridays have really improved standardized test scores.
• Unfortunately, my current journey through sexual reassignment means I've had to be out of the classroom quite a bit this year.
• Would you believe that I never actually learned to read?
  
• Does this look infected to you?
  
• Sorry. I seem to be having a difficult time focusing on what you're saying, seeing how I'm so very drunk at the moment.
  
• You do realize that none of this actually matters what with the rapidly approaching apocalypse, right?
  
• Can you tell that I'm not wearing a bra right now?
• It's just terribly hard for me to concentrate with all these voices in my head!

You know, for fun!