Friday, August 10, 2007
reason #67 why, although i complain about my neighbors, they're actually kinda awesome
Feel like a story filled with romance and intrigue and personal triumphs to end your week? Well, I don't have one of those. But I do have one about my ridiculous neighbors; will that do? Then close your eyes and picture this...

Wait. On second thought, don't close your eyes. You won't be able to read.

How about this instead, keep your eyes open, but close your mind's eye and picture this. Yes, that's much better...

It's the early evening hours and I am out front futilely watering my failing flower bed. Per usual, there are five or so little kids tearing it up two door down over at Redneck House. They appear to range from four to seven in age, and one particular little boy, easily twice as large as the rest, is the clear leader of the group. There are three more little boys and one tiny little blonde girl who can't be older than four. They'd be cute if they didn't insist on throwing snowballs, rocks, and all types of balls at my car whenever I drive by their yard. They're adorable in the sense that feral cats are adorable - keep your distance, because they most certainly bite.

Anyway, they're screeching and giggling and having a merry old time playing some game they made up involving wood chips and hockey sticks, when a shout pierces the air. I look over and see "leader boy" pointing an accusing finger at one of the boys and announces, "your sister just touched my whoo-ha!"

As can be expected, the entire group starts giggling uproariously.

(An Aside: Despite the fact that these kids are clearly feral, I have no doubts whatsoever that the little girl did not intend to touch leader boy's naughty bits. As we all know, when playing mixed gender games involving wood chips and hockey sticks, an occasional whoo-ha might get touched. With age we learn to roll with it, no?)

Despite the fact (or perhaps because of the fact) that all the kids are giggling off the improper act, leader boy is clearly not amused. In furor, he lunges and makes a sweeping move at the naughty bit-touching little girl. Instantly, the mood changes in the group. The little girl's brother bounds over to leader boy, hands on hips, and shouts, "YOU DO NOT TOUCH A GIRL THAT WAY!"

Taking her cue from her brother, little blonde girl bounds over to leader boy, shoulders rising and falling at a rapid rate, balling her tiny hands into tight, furious fists, and screeches, "YOU DO...NOT TOUCH..ME, GIRL THIS WAY!!!"

From out of nowhere, a third boy grabs a hockey stick, mounts his bike, and assumes the stance of a knight on a horse. He's holding the hockey stick under his arm as if it were a jousting stick, lets out a piercing war cry, and proceeds to race down the street full-on towards leader boy.

Luckily for leader boy, he manages to dart out of the way at the last second before taking a jousting/hockey stick to the chest.

Unluckily for leader boy, amidst the chaos the little girl has found a broom.

Taking advantage of leader boy's distracted state, the four-year-old girl descends upon him, wielding the pink plastic broom as a weapon, and proceeds to show him exactly why you "do..not, girl this way."

(And did I mention that the entire time this scene was unfolding, "Ren" - the busy-body, self-appointed queen of the neighborhood who insists on displaying a giant Pooh Bear on her street-facing oak tree - is across the street, sitting on her front porch so she could oversee the entire scene and cluck with disapproval? Because she was.)
As for the moral of the story, I guess it would go something like this: inevitably, someone will accidentally touch your whoo-ha, and when it happens it's best to laugh it off. Otherwise, prepare to steel yourself for a raining storm of tiny, feral fists of fury while some old lady coldly observes your humiliation.

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