statements that, if i weren't so very professional, i'd attempt to sneak into converation during tomorrow night's parent teacher conferences:

• I find that actually reading my students' essays takes far too much time, so I've taken to assigning grades based on how far each flies when I chuck a stack of them across the room.
• However, this was all before I was stripped of my teaching certificate.
• It seems that your child doesn't respond as well to corporal punishment as the rest.
• I've found that Breakdance Fridays have really improved standardized test scores.
• Unfortunately, my current journey through sexual reassignment means I've had to be out of the classroom quite a bit this year.
• Would you believe that I never actually learned to read?
  
• Does this look infected to you?
  
• Sorry. I seem to be having a difficult time focusing on what you're saying, seeing how I'm so very drunk at the moment.
  
• You do realize that none of this actually matters what with the rapidly approaching apocalypse, right?
  
• Can you tell that I'm not wearing a bra right now?
• It's just terribly hard for me to concentrate with all these voices in my head!

You know, for fun!

apparently, (my weekend)

if my husband goes out of town without me for a long weekend, newspapers and mail won't get brought in, groceries will not be purchased, and my navigational skills - already appallingly poor - actually worsen.

indeed, there is a white people's section in the women's department of the Macy's at Fairlane Town Center Mall, although once discovered it proves to not be worth the search.

I am too old to tolerate small bars with DJ's playing booty music whose popularity peaked with I was an undergrad.

although I should be, I am not too old to tolerate slightly larger bars with DJ's playing booty music whose popularity peaked when I was an undergrad, so long as there is a dance floor and I am with a girlfriend who will humor me (and my booty) for a song or four.

I will never be too old to clap my hands and loudly sing along with fake Irish bands covering The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)."

graffiti would indicate that there are a great many people who have used the 2nd stall in the women's bathroom of The Old Shillelagh who have quite varying, yet passionate opinions about the band Edgewise.

rather than wait in yet another line, when a barroom hostess asks me, "Are you with them?" I will look her squarely in the eye and with the utmost confidence lie, replying, "Yes. Yes I am."

either I'm not as smart as I thought, or The Black Dahlia really was that confusing.

while nearly unwatchable in the aforementioned film, Scarlett Johansson was actually quite good in The Prestige (although I suspect that a strong script and Christopher Nolan's direction are what truly deserves the credit here).

if given the opportunity, my dog will happily eat cat poop.

I won't be kissing my dog's nose any time in the foreseeable future.

a 2-hour long documentary on the Black Plague really is that interesting.

those 50 essay tests I brought home with me ain't getting graded, 'least not this weekend.