who died and made me the fashion police?

I’ve never claimed to be the queen of fashion, especially when I’m working out, but recently there has been a serious wealth of fug at the gym. As a Joan Rivers-esque form of community service, please allow me to share some of these sad stories with you so you can avoid your own future embarrassments. I have also supplied my conjectures as to the psychological forces driving these fashion faux pas, pretty much just to amuse myself. (Yes – I am out of blog posting ideas. Don’t judge me)

Black Jeans –
Who: Mostly men over the age of 55.
Why it’s awful: You aren’t fooling anyone; just because your jeans are black doesn’t mean that they can pass for sweatpants. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the rapid rubbing of denim on denim is a fire hazard or something.
Psychological Motivation: Men who wear jeans to the gym so do to hide a rather large secret - they’re aliens. I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s true. Jean serve a very important purpose for aliens posing as human beings. Apparently alien technology, although incredibly advanced, has not advanced enough to create believable human-looking fake legs and jeans are the only fabric thick enough to hide their spindly, green limbs. As to why aliens are spending some of their time on Earth working out – that remains a mystery that even I cannot answer.

Shrugs –
Who: Honestly, I’ve only seen this once on a middle-aged woman, but once was enough.
Why it’s awful: Why would anyone decide to wear a sweater, even one that ends under your boobs, to the gym?
Psychological Motivation: These women are especially sad because they are spending their whole life is one constant quest for love. As a consequence for not getting hugged enough as small children, thus they decide to fill this void by wearing sweaters that provide a constant embrace around their torsos. Unfortunately, the shrug actually hinders their quest because an obvious side-effect to working out in a sweater is terrible body odor, making future hugs highly unlikely.

Chandelier Earrings –
Who: Spotted on a great many women of varying ages, although most commonly on recent college graduates.
Why it’s awful: The juxtaposition of great big, sparkly, dangly earrings against sweat-matted hair and pit-stained t-shirts hurts my eyes. That – and I keep waiting for some poor woman to catch an earring on something and rip an earlobe clean off.
Psychological Motivation: Although it may appear that these women are wearing these to be fashionable, it actually serves a much more serious and important purpose. These large earrings are actually tiny satellite dishes which record conversations which are then transmitted to a top-secret CIA headquarters in Washington DC. Apparently Dubya is no longer satisfied with tracking the phone calls of his citizens and has instituted a new satellite program to collect conversations in the community. Unfortunately for the program, most of data collected at the gym consists of pants and grunts. Unfortunately for me, now that I’ve revealed this top-secret program I will most likely be killed.

Any questions?