Thursday, April 10, 2008
what i imagine the cartboy thought upon discovering my wallet, accidentally left in the cart I abandoned in the middle of the store's parking lot
(For some reason, my imagination insists he's British. Mind you, not authentically British, but rather a completely absurd parody only an insulated Midwestern American such as myself could dream up.)

Oh bloody hell! What’s this - a cart left ten paces away from the cart return station? Honestly, how hard can it be to take ten steps and return it proper, you lazy cow?

Oi! What have we here...A wallet? Ace! This must be my tip for your blatant rudeness. (peeking inside) Bugger and blast! There’s no money in here! Not a single penny! You’re not only a lazy cow, but a broke one at that, aren’t you (searching for identification)…Mrs. White? Hmm…well, where there’s no cash there is something even better: credit cards! (searching for credit cards) Oh, sod off! Are you taking the piss? Debit cards? Doubt a skint bint such as yourself would have much money in the cash machine to even make it worth the risk.

(searching some more) Blimey. Not so much as a single picture in here either? Aren't you a sad sack, Mrs. White! A dead broke bint with no one to love. I almost feel right sorry for you. Might consider nicking your social security card and selling the digits, but one would have to be off their trolley to want to be you, love!

Ah shite. Best just turn it in, then. How I've got you sussed you have enough problems without a bloke like me nicking your wallet.

Daft twit.


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