Tuesday, November 20, 2007
the television crisis: my temporary solution
Even I - a person who watches minimal television - am getting a bit nervous about the Writer’s Guild of America strike, and with the recent breaking news that network news writers are planning to join in, it’s clear that we should all start bracing ourselves for a possible momentous blackout should the new talks (supposedly scheduled to resume on November 26th) go south.

Since books, quiet family dinners at the dinning room table and childhood physical fitness are, like, totally passé, it’s clear that patriotic, freedom-loving Americans need to step up and do the right thing by filling that writerly void, ensuring that our citizens remain properly entertained. Without writers, it’s clear that we’ll have to become increasingly reliant on reality television for our daily dose of culture, but with such an increased demand for original programming we will obviously need to turn to the average American for both contestants and ideas.

It seems to me that even the most boring American – given the proper back story, wardrobe, lighting and snarky nickname – can find something from their daily life to contribute to the world of reality television, and since I’m nothing if not patriotic, here’s a few ideas that I’m willing to bring to the table:

(A Complete Lack of) Street Smarts
Filmed entirely inside my car, this show would chronicle my various adventures while getting lost on the road, which happens an average of every 20-30 minutes, even in familiar neighborhoods. While a few viewers would certainly find interest in the drama of my many and varied brushes with death and creative swearing, I understand that even that might not be enough to entertain the masses. Thus, I’m planning to lose ten pounds, dye my hair blonde and wear only a bikini while filming, because – as we all know – sex sells.

Are You Smarter Than a Cognitively-Impaired Kindergartener?
Don’t let their vocabularies fools you – the kids I teach are in high school and blessed born without cognitive impairments. However, my seven year tenure with them has given me the gift of maneuvering the verbal acrobatics of those with frighteningly limited vocabularies. And so, I propose a game show where I attempt to decipher the inquiries of your average high school student. Sample questions would include, “Remember when I was absent on that one day when we did that one thing? Can I get it and the other stuff from yesterday too?” and “Can you help me with this thing, because I lost the thing we did on that one day? Or maybe I gave it to that one kid. I’m not really sure. Do you know that guy? The one with the hair?” Think Jeopardy meets Rainman, and you’ve got the general idea.

Desperate Spouse Swap
For this show I’d volunteer to trade houses with the woman living two doors down in the home I’ve “affectionately” dubbed Redneck House. Although the premise of this show isn’t exactly original - it’s basically the same idea as Trading Spouses – I see entertainment potential in watching my even-keeled husband deal with Redneck Mom, a woman who appears to only be capable of communicating in screams. As for my part, I’d be doing my best to raise her small army of feral children without getting bitten, beaten, contracting tetanus, and/or gaining a new-found appreciation for Billy Ray Cyrus, mullets and full-body tattoos. Think Pygmalion meets Wife Swap meets Overboard, but with more frequent visits from the local law enforcement.

On second thought, this all sounds like a terrible idea. Why don't we all just agree to keep our fingers crossed that everything goes well on the 26th...


Blogger Gregg said...

I would so totally TiVo "(A Complete Lack Of) Street Smarts."

I mean...if I had a TiVo.
Which I don't.
So I can't.
But it's not really on the air.
So I don't have to.

I love creative swearing.
(bikinis rock, too.)

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