that alligators lived in the sewers.
that if you sat too long on the toilet, you risked having your bottom bitten by aforementioned alligators.
that if you peed really quickly and always closed the lid before flushing, you'd be safe from the alligators. Or, at least safer.
that a vague, malevolent being lived under my bed.
that that same vague, malevolent being could only hurt me at night and if I dangled one of my limbs over the edge of my bed.
that the only way to truly be safe from that vague, malevolent being was to sleep in the dead-center of my bed, and with the sheets firmly tucked around me.
that my Grandpa Nester was missing half of his middle finger because he sucked it off.
that if I continued to suck my thumb, the same thing would eventually happen to me.
that if I was gentle and periodically checked my joints for signs of weakness, I might be able to safely continue sucking my thumb indefinitely.
that babies were born from bellybuttons.
that given the proper incubation, any egg, even refrigerated eggs, could become chickens.
that carrying an egg under my armpit until it hatched wasn't worth eventually having a pet chicken.
that, despite all family history pointing to the contrary, I would one day develop a body that would rival Daisy Duke's.
that I would eventually grow so befreckled that they would all merge into one giant, body-encompassing freckle.
the upside of this would be that I would one day look really, really tan.
that you had a finite number of layers of skin, and that should you get repeated scrapes or cuts in the same area you would eventually end up skinless in that spot.
that any milk that didn't come from my own refrigerator was undrinkable.
that all chocolate milk was fine.
that plants would grow in your stomach if you swallowed seeds whole.
that some trees were sentient.
that if I talked to enough of them, I would one day discover one that would talk back.
that after my Grandma Margaret died, she became my guardian angel.
that, as my guardian angel, she overlooked every moment of my life with the exception of anything I did in the bathroom.
that it was quite decent of her for being so respectful of my privacy.
(This post was inspired by I Used to Believe, which is a highly entertaining site should you be in the market for such a thing. Thanks to my mother-in-law for bringing it to my attention!)
that if you sat too long on the toilet, you risked having your bottom bitten by aforementioned alligators.
that if you peed really quickly and always closed the lid before flushing, you'd be safe from the alligators. Or, at least safer.
that a vague, malevolent being lived under my bed.
that that same vague, malevolent being could only hurt me at night and if I dangled one of my limbs over the edge of my bed.
that the only way to truly be safe from that vague, malevolent being was to sleep in the dead-center of my bed, and with the sheets firmly tucked around me.
that my Grandpa Nester was missing half of his middle finger because he sucked it off.
that if I continued to suck my thumb, the same thing would eventually happen to me.
that if I was gentle and periodically checked my joints for signs of weakness, I might be able to safely continue sucking my thumb indefinitely.
that babies were born from bellybuttons.
that given the proper incubation, any egg, even refrigerated eggs, could become chickens.
that carrying an egg under my armpit until it hatched wasn't worth eventually having a pet chicken.
that, despite all family history pointing to the contrary, I would one day develop a body that would rival Daisy Duke's.
that I would eventually grow so befreckled that they would all merge into one giant, body-encompassing freckle.
the upside of this would be that I would one day look really, really tan.
that you had a finite number of layers of skin, and that should you get repeated scrapes or cuts in the same area you would eventually end up skinless in that spot.
that any milk that didn't come from my own refrigerator was undrinkable.
that all chocolate milk was fine.
that plants would grow in your stomach if you swallowed seeds whole.
that some trees were sentient.
that if I talked to enough of them, I would one day discover one that would talk back.
that after my Grandma Margaret died, she became my guardian angel.
that, as my guardian angel, she overlooked every moment of my life with the exception of anything I did in the bathroom.
that it was quite decent of her for being so respectful of my privacy.
(This post was inspired by I Used to Believe, which is a highly entertaining site should you be in the market for such a thing. Thanks to my mother-in-law for bringing it to my attention!)
3 Comments:
Yessiree- limbs dangling over the side of the bed meant certain death.
Papa was watching me from heaven.
On the other hand, I used to convince my sisters that:
* The blinking red light on top of radio towers was really Rudolph checking up on them to see if they were being good.
*That roving spotlights were the Northern Lights.
and
*If they ran fast enough doing my paper route they could get a spot on the Olympic team.
I'm going to Hell.
Ah, yes...Daisy Duke.
I mean...um. Ah, yes...vague, malevolent beings.
I used to be overly cautious with my limbs as well.
Great list, Mrs. White. :O)
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