gone golfin'

We'll be leaving later today, braving flooded Ohio freeways in order to rise far too early tomorrow morning and compete in my family's annual golf outing, which I have only participated in once due to lack of clubs and skill, coupled with a healthy dose of shame and a burning desire to protect my dignity. But for some reason, I've decided to play this year. Goodbye, dignity; hello, shame.

Things That are Certain:

• I will swear. A lot.
• I will apologize profusely to the three other guys unfortunate enough to be placed in my group. Or on my team. Or whatever the heck it's called.
• I will golf 9 holes with only two clubs: my eight iron and my putter.
  
• It will be ugly.
• Afterward, I will be sore.
  

Things That are Highly Probable:

• My handicap - the highest in the league - will be a factor.
• My handicap, although high, will not be enough of a factor to salvage my score.
• My nine-year-old cousin will play much better and act more maturely than me.
  
• At some point in time, I will throw a tantrum.
  
• When that time comes, I may also throw a club.
  

Things That are Possible, However Unlikely:

• Despite having only played a handful of times in my life and not at all in seven years, I will be better than I thought.
• I will win, thus erasing my nuclear family's shame at never having a member place first in the thirty or so years this "friendly" family competition has been in existence.
• I will remember that it's only a game and will have fun, regardless of how poorly I may be playing.
  
• I will make my daddy proud.

Things I Will Tell You, Although They Will be Blatant Lies:

• The best part was when, from out of nowhere, I drove dead straight for 250 yards, placing my ball right on the edge of the green.
• My short game was my salvation.
• I shot a 45.
  
• It was fun and not at all embarrassing. We really should go golfing together sometime!

Expect early morning obscenity-laced texts tomorrow, and wish me luck. While you're at it, wish also that no one gets hurt.