how that interview would have gone if a) i had been honest and b) knew that science would soon figure out how to use black holes for time travel

It seems like every year, sometimes even twice I year, I get interviewed for the same “teacher feature” in our school’s newspaper. It also seems as if every time I am interviewed for the same blasted article they ask me the same blasted questions, one of which is nearly always something to the effect of, “What would you be doing if you weren’t a teacher?” I always answer this question one of two ways, “A writer” or “Huh? Posh! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else!,” but both of these answers would be lies.

I often claim writer as a possible dream profession because I imagine that’s the response English majors are supposed to give. But if I were honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I lack too many things to be a professional writer (talent, financial backing, and a drug/alcohol addiction, to name a few), so I guess that’s not in the cards. Nor is it true that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than teaching, although I think that is what we’re supposed to say when pressed else we appear to lack passion for the profession. Nope, I could actually envision myself doing several things other than edumacating fragile young minds. Namely:

Lounge Singer (Circa 1940) – Because I love to dress in evening gowns and heels, have the requisite husky tenor, and firmly believe that life affords me with precious few opportunities to wear red, red lipstick and sing the blues.

Egyptologist (Circa 1920) – I imagine that most days would be very hot, dirty and boring, but imagine the days when you uncover the sphinx, or Tutankhamen’s tomb. How sweet would those days be?!. Of course, there’s always the occasional pharaoh’s curse to contend with I suppose. Dang. Blast.

Cake Decorator (Circa whenever) – In comparison to the previous two, I suppose this sounds a bit dull and since I rarely cook and never bake I guess it’s laughable too, but I’ve always fancied myself as having a hidden talent for sugar sculpture and am totally jealous of those bakers who are able to use fondant and frosting to construct confectionary versions of Ferraris and The Empire State building and Notre Dame.

Pirate (Circa 1700) – I don’t really have to explain this one, do I? And according to this, my pirate name is Mad Morgan Bonney and I am both unpredictable and “more than a little bit” crazy.

So for the record, that would be my real answer to the same old question, not that I’ll be any more honest the next time I get interviewed because, as you can see, the truth is absolutely absurd. But truth be told, teaching’s fine too. However, let it be known that you wouldn’t have to twist my arm too far to convince me to throw a swanky cocktail party financed with stolen booty where I could bake a sphinx-shaped cake and don an evening gown and some red, red lipstick. Nope, not too far at all.