how that interview would have gone if a) i had been honest and b) knew that science would soon figure out how to use black holes for time travel

It seems like every year, sometimes even twice I year, I get interviewed for the same “teacher feature” in our school’s newspaper. It also seems as if every time I am interviewed for the same blasted article they ask me the same blasted questions, one of which is nearly always something to the effect of, “What would you be doing if you weren’t a teacher?” I always answer this question one of two ways, “A writer” or “Huh? Posh! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else!,” but both of these answers would be lies.

I often claim writer as a possible dream profession because I imagine that’s the response English majors are supposed to give. But if I were honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I lack too many things to be a professional writer (talent, financial backing, and a drug/alcohol addiction, to name a few), so I guess that’s not in the cards. Nor is it true that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than teaching, although I think that is what we’re supposed to say when pressed else we appear to lack passion for the profession. Nope, I could actually envision myself doing several things other than edumacating fragile young minds. Namely:

Lounge Singer (Circa 1940) – Because I love to dress in evening gowns and heels, have the requisite husky tenor, and firmly believe that life affords me with precious few opportunities to wear red, red lipstick and sing the blues.

Egyptologist (Circa 1920) – I imagine that most days would be very hot, dirty and boring, but imagine the days when you uncover the sphinx, or Tutankhamen’s tomb. How sweet would those days be?!. Of course, there’s always the occasional pharaoh’s curse to contend with I suppose. Dang. Blast.

Cake Decorator (Circa whenever) – In comparison to the previous two, I suppose this sounds a bit dull and since I rarely cook and never bake I guess it’s laughable too, but I’ve always fancied myself as having a hidden talent for sugar sculpture and am totally jealous of those bakers who are able to use fondant and frosting to construct confectionary versions of Ferraris and The Empire State building and Notre Dame.

Pirate (Circa 1700) – I don’t really have to explain this one, do I? And according to this, my pirate name is Mad Morgan Bonney and I am both unpredictable and “more than a little bit” crazy.

So for the record, that would be my real answer to the same old question, not that I’ll be any more honest the next time I get interviewed because, as you can see, the truth is absolutely absurd. But truth be told, teaching’s fine too. However, let it be known that you wouldn’t have to twist my arm too far to convince me to throw a swanky cocktail party financed with stolen booty where I could bake a sphinx-shaped cake and don an evening gown and some red, red lipstick. Nope, not too far at all.

breaking, wizard-related news

I sort of made an unspoken promise that I'd stop talking about students in a public forum since I often feel racked with guilt afterwards, but I just can't help myself today. There's someone I want you to meet.

In order to have some semblance of anonymity, I'll call him Elliott. I think Elliott is a pretty cool kid. I think this for the following reasons: he likes striped wool sweaters, prog rock, and he's the only kid in the room who understood what I meant when I likened postmodern literature to Eraserhead.

(And for the record, it's not that any of these things are prerequisites for me to like you, but it does help.)

Anyway, Elliott happens to also be obsessed with pirates. I admit that I don't really share in or understand his infatuation, but I do find it interesting when a 16-year-old high school kid has the balls to wear a large, stuffed parrot on his shoulder for an entire week for no other reason than because he likes pirates. He even wrote an essay on pirates, the thesis of which was that pirates were far superior to ninjas. As far as I know, he was never assigned to write this particular essay, however he did ask me to proofread it for him. Although I'm not sure that I support his thesis, the essay itself wasn't bad.

Well, as it so happens, Elliott is no longer obsessed with pirates. Apparently he's moved on to wizards, although his interest in them appears to be more of the "how to fell them" variety rather than admiration.

The subject came up today when the power in my school building (and in the entire city, in fact) suddenly and unexpectedly went off. My kids were nearing the end of taking a timed writing test, so the mood was a bit tense. When the power failed, there was perhaps ten seconds or so of confused yet curious silence when Elliott broke that silence with a quiet question -

"Is your door wizard-proof?"

I responded that I didn't believe that it was. He then asked if I had any wizard-related literature on my bookshelf. I admitted that I did have several Harry Potter books in there, if that made a difference. To this, his face turned ashen and his mouth fell agape. I was then informed by one of his prog-rock buddies that today there was a red alert on the wizard threat advisory, so the power-outing culprit was clearly evident.

Huh. How was I to know? No one bothered to tell me that wizard-related crimes has reached such dangerous levels that a terror alert system has been imposed. Turns out that the wizard meant no real malice. The students were dismissed, the power came back on shortly after, and I was allowed to use the rest of the day to catch up on grading papers, so frankly, if this is what wizards do, I say bring them on.

So anyway, that's Elliott. Just thought you might like to meet him is all.