behold - for you i have written a poem

Well, sort of. It is a combination of lines from last Sunday's episode of "The Sopranos," phrases people have Googled recently that led to my blog, and responses I got today when I asked my kids what they knew about the Renaissance (and as it turns out, their knowledge of that particular subject is limited solely to the Renaissance Faire).

Why? Because, baby, I'm ridiculous.

"Stories of Castration"

Ohio redneck pothead
(heavy with paintball artillery)
says I should get my buttons back.
Listen, mister -
I don't mind paying for the tailpipe,
but a recent nipple sighting
and giant turkey legs
make me salivate.

I'd complain,
but who'd listen?

Everybody hurts, emo children.
Relax, your cousin's on the job,
peeing in inappropriate places,
taking my medication,
and telling stories of castration.

You can even get nachos there.

High rollers only.
Keep walking girlie drink drunk,
because the black knight always wins.
And dragons were quite common,

with fire that burns your scalp
and a monkey that threw its poop at me.

Shakespeare was bisexual!?
(and very good with spelling, too)
But when my time comes, tell me -
will I stand up?
Because I got lost at the Renaissance faire -

but only once.