It's Monday. I have the day off. You'd think that would make me happy, but not so. I'm terrifically ranty, and here's a few reasons why:
#1: Flirty Drivers
I don't think my husband believes that this actually happens (and if he does, I suspect he doubts the frequency that I claim), but it seems that whenever I am alone in my car I am getting perpetually accosted by my flirty, male road neighbors. I'd like to think that it's because I'm so terrifically good looking, but I'm not. I'm a perfectly average looking woman, which can only lead me to believe that there must be legions of men out there who think that pulling their car up next to the car of a lone woman, smiling, nodding, and occasionally making obscene hand gestures is an acceptable method of courtship. Well, it's not. It's weird, uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure fairly dangerous. So knock it off, weirdos. Go flirt with women at bars, MySpace message boards, and grocery stores like normal people.
#2: American Idol
Words can not fully express the extent to which I loathe America's favorite television show. I'm sure that there is more than one person reading this post who would be quick to defend the first half of every season of American Idol for the way that it "humorously" depicts the delusions of talent that so many Americans seem to have, but since I can't stand watching people make fools of themselves, it's these first audition episodes that bother me the most. Call me odd, but I've never been able to bear watching people standing out on a limb, baring their souls to the world, and facing humiliation instead of the praise they had dreamt of. Seriously, I can't watch it. I have to leave the room. (And yes, I'm sure there's some repressed memory I've buried down deep in my subconscious that's to blame. Mommy?!) But even putting aside the painful-to-watch audition episodes and the total yawn that is every other in-Hollywood installment, what it really comes down to is that the wild popularity of American Idol means that Lost is now on at ten o'clock, which is proving to be a bit too late for this sleepy, ranty lady. Yo dawg, pho realsy.
#3: My Enslavement to my own Physiology
My circulatory system is such that I cannot remain in the same position for longer than 15 minutes if I hope to retain feeling and use of all my limbs. Furthermore, I appear to have the bladder of an eleven-year-old pregnant girl. I am finding these two aspects of my physiology to be increasingly annoying, and my attempts at using Buddhist meditation strategies to rise above my stubborn dependence on the petty needs of my own body has largely been met with failure.
Now if you'll please excuse me, I need to pee and I have no feeling in my right foot. (Stupid, stupid body.)
#1: Flirty Drivers
I don't think my husband believes that this actually happens (and if he does, I suspect he doubts the frequency that I claim), but it seems that whenever I am alone in my car I am getting perpetually accosted by my flirty, male road neighbors. I'd like to think that it's because I'm so terrifically good looking, but I'm not. I'm a perfectly average looking woman, which can only lead me to believe that there must be legions of men out there who think that pulling their car up next to the car of a lone woman, smiling, nodding, and occasionally making obscene hand gestures is an acceptable method of courtship. Well, it's not. It's weird, uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure fairly dangerous. So knock it off, weirdos. Go flirt with women at bars, MySpace message boards, and grocery stores like normal people.
#2: American Idol
Words can not fully express the extent to which I loathe America's favorite television show. I'm sure that there is more than one person reading this post who would be quick to defend the first half of every season of American Idol for the way that it "humorously" depicts the delusions of talent that so many Americans seem to have, but since I can't stand watching people make fools of themselves, it's these first audition episodes that bother me the most. Call me odd, but I've never been able to bear watching people standing out on a limb, baring their souls to the world, and facing humiliation instead of the praise they had dreamt of. Seriously, I can't watch it. I have to leave the room. (And yes, I'm sure there's some repressed memory I've buried down deep in my subconscious that's to blame. Mommy?!) But even putting aside the painful-to-watch audition episodes and the total yawn that is every other in-Hollywood installment, what it really comes down to is that the wild popularity of American Idol means that Lost is now on at ten o'clock, which is proving to be a bit too late for this sleepy, ranty lady. Yo dawg, pho realsy.
#3: My Enslavement to my own Physiology
My circulatory system is such that I cannot remain in the same position for longer than 15 minutes if I hope to retain feeling and use of all my limbs. Furthermore, I appear to have the bladder of an eleven-year-old pregnant girl. I am finding these two aspects of my physiology to be increasingly annoying, and my attempts at using Buddhist meditation strategies to rise above my stubborn dependence on the petty needs of my own body has largely been met with failure.
Now if you'll please excuse me, I need to pee and I have no feeling in my right foot. (Stupid, stupid body.)
Labels: rants, repressed memories
3 Comments:
#1: Girl, you're hot. I don't condone or understand why guys would try to flirt/court a girl from another vehichle... but when you're as good looking as you, you have to expect that guys will try anything they can.
#2: I hate American Idol but yet I enjoy watching it from time to time. Such is the magic of AI. It's a car wreck that you have to gawk at.
#3: With the glorious invention of the DVR I don't understand why I have to say the phrase "Maggie, I'll pause it. Go use the bathroom." I can easily tell when you have to use the bathroom but are fighting it. Don't fight your body... use the bathroom.
Is that more information than people wanted? Probably. But y'all haven't seen Maggie's "I've-gotta-pee" dance that she tries (poorly) to hide while doing something as mundane as watching TV or playing Nintendo.
I would also like to chime in and say there's absolutely nothing "average" about you, looks or otherwise. Just to set the record straight.
Ok,
I know I don't know you that well, but you did almost punch me, and that's good enough. Speaking only of what guys can see whilst looking in your car, I have to say that both your hair and your eyes stand out immediately as pretty and full of life. You're a pretty gal regardless, and I've seen you Flashdance, remember, but aside from that I think it's kind of a given that random roadsters will fixate on your attention-getting eyes.
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