i may be clumsy

I say "may" because I'm really not sure. Clearly, falling off a treadmill would be considered rather clumsy behavior, but seriously, if you run on a treadmill often enough the odds are rather good that you'll eventually fall off one. At least that's what I'm telling myself. But, even though I did fall off the treadmill yesterday, I'm still not quite ready to call myself a clumsy person, overall. I'm not saying that I haven't had my moments - and most of them involve running into things rather than falling off of things - but the vast majority of my klutzy moments occurred when I was a small child or in a very long-limbed, extraordinarily awkward pre-teen phase so I don't think it's very fair to count them.

For example:

• At six I ran through a screen door. Sounds clumsy, sure, but I was six, therefore it doesn't count. Next!
• At fourteen I ran into a sliding glass door. Sure, the experience ranks very high on my "most embarrassing moments of my life" list since it happened when I was attending my first boy-girl party and a rather large imprint of my face was left on the glass that the boys had quite a laugh over, but the glass was absurdly clean so it could have happened to anyone. Really, everyone should have considered it a community service that I ran into that door, because by doing so I made the party that much safer for the rest of them. God bless America.
• At seventeen I made a sudden turn in a hallway in my high school and slammed by my face squarely into a brick post, blackening both of my eyes. Sure, it appears like class-A klutz behavior, but I smell conspiracy here. Why else would my "friend" Jenny have chosen to call my name at that, precise moment? She saw the post. She certainly noticed my proximity to the post. She always was jealous of my endless wit and stunning beauty. It's not that I'm accusing her of setting me up, but I think she set me up. Bitch.

So, while it may appear that I am clumsy, I think that once the history of each event is examined that clumsiness would clearly be an illogical conclusion to reach. Obviously, despite falling off that treadmill, I am not a klutz at all. Unlucky? Perhaps. A martyr? Most definitely. But clumsy, probably not.

Take that, treadmill.