It's Oscar Sunday, and I can't be certain who will win any awards, but I am certain that my husband deserves an award of some sort. Somehow (still not sure how) I managed to convince him to help me chaperone an overnight field trip this weekend, a task which most other husbands would have laughed at before telling their wives not to let the door hit them on their ass on the way out. Nathan and I spent our weekend with 30 kids ranging in age from 13 to 17 as they competed in the Future Problem Solving (FPS) State Bowl, which is perhaps the nerdiest competition a kid and be involved in (with the possible exception of Quiz Bowl). We spent yesterday waiting around aimlessly while the kids sat in locked classrooms and solved the world's problems. Oh the laughs we had. The awards ceremony was today, and our kids either came home with shiny trophies or splotchy, red, tear-streaked faces, so I'm all preped and ready for the Academy Awards.
Speaking of which, here's a short list of what I'm hoping to see at the 2006 academy awards:
Hermione drunk,
Crazy, drug-induced fashion,
A soy-bomb sighting (apparently, there's a group of them and they have a message of sorts. Who knew?),
Philip Seymour Hoffman barking his acceptance speech,
Verification of all of my brilliantly-chosen Oscar predictions,
And, of course, lots of closed-mouth, tight-jawed smiles of those who watch someone else walk up to receive the award they think they rightfully deserve.
Finally, should you ever find yourself nominated, here's an academy award speech generator that you might find useful. Here's a sneak-peak at my speech (be kind; it's a rough draft):
Maggie's Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your lackluster applause makes me feel right now! You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and scoff about how unaesthetic my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly. You know, there are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you America, and good night!
So, what do you think?
Speaking of which, here's a short list of what I'm hoping to see at the 2006 academy awards:
Hermione drunk,
Crazy, drug-induced fashion,
A soy-bomb sighting (apparently, there's a group of them and they have a message of sorts. Who knew?),
Philip Seymour Hoffman barking his acceptance speech,
Verification of all of my brilliantly-chosen Oscar predictions,
And, of course, lots of closed-mouth, tight-jawed smiles of those who watch someone else walk up to receive the award they think they rightfully deserve.
Finally, should you ever find yourself nominated, here's an academy award speech generator that you might find useful. Here's a sneak-peak at my speech (be kind; it's a rough draft):
Maggie's Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your lackluster applause makes me feel right now! You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and scoff about how unaesthetic my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly. You know, there are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you America, and good night!
So, what do you think?
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