Wednesday, March 19, 2008
inspired by this week's book review, here's a few things i wish someone would hurry up and invent aleady:
1. A pill that keeps one's hair from turning grey.

2. An all-natural deodorant that doesn’t scratch-up and irritate my sensitive bits.

3. A robotic alarm clock like the one in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that not only wakes me up, but physically forces me out of bed and proceeds to then feed, groom, and dress me before sending me on my merry way.

4. A pneumatic tube that *whoosh!*-es me to and from work every day.

5. A tiny screen I can fit inside my ears that filters out all the annoying little “likes,” “ums,” “you knows” and “stuff like thats” from others' speech. Additionally, I envision future advanced models that can also make boring people sound more interesting.

6. A tiny filter I can fit inside my nostrils to neutralize offensive odors. (For, alas, I have been burdened with a very sensitive sense of smell.)

7. An alarm that alerts me whenever my odor risks offending (while I'm thinking of it).

8. A super advanced spell check that points out my homonym and other word-choice errors since I really do know the difference, but most days my brain tends to move much faster than my fingers can keep up. (I would also like this invention to shock me whenever I misspell "occasionally" and "unnecessarily," simply because it annoys the Hades out of me how often I get those two wrong, and I'm just tired of it already.)

9. Similarly, self-editing chalk so I can stop embarrassing myself in front of the handful of fourteen-year-olds savvy enough to notice and/or bold enough to point out my errors.

10. A device that renders my voice mute whenever it senses I’m on the verge of saying something that can only lead to trouble.

11. A machine that allows you to scan in student essays for instant, mindless grading.

12. A mud-resistant dog.

13. A mirror that reflects how you will look in that outfit if someone were to take a photograph of you in it.

14. Pants that not only make your bum look nice, but also exercise it while you’re wearing them, making stair climber machines at the gym forever unnecessary.

15. An absurdity meter that goes off whenever someone is being ridiculous, since (at least in my experience) people tend to not like it when you care enough to point it out to them, so it's probably a job best left to robots.

16. Crazy person radar would also be nice.

17. Car windows that temporarily self-tint whenever the person inside is picking his nose, because I'd really rather not watch him do it.

18. Flattering shorts.


Blogger Steve said...

I'd also pay good money for a #10. And the people that populate my life, I'd imagine they'd chip into that fund.

Blogger Carrie said...

Can I add my own? I'd like:

A sports bra that is both supportive and affordable.

A magic cream that fixes unevenly curly hair and negates the need for any type of styling tools. (Or I suppose, your #3 would work.)

A program that could magically change the colors of my house at the press of a button.

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