That’s right; I’m a fake American. Sure, I was born here, work here, was educated here, vote here, and pay taxes here, but no matter. I’m still a fake American.
Why? Well, first of all, I wasn’t born in, nor do I currently reside in, a small town. And according to Sarah Palin, she and John McCain "believe that the best of America is in these small towns...in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America...hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation." Now while it might be true that I once briefly resided in one of those “wonderful little pockets” of rural America – a magical place where no one was ever mean, apple pie grew on trees and everyone was as white as the driven snow - my tenure there was brief, as we had to leave it all behind for the big city – a terrible place full of Democrats, terrorists, Christian-haters, good schools, and jobs. Shudder!
But in addition to where I live, I’m also a liberal, and according to GOP Representative Robin Hayes, “liberals hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God.” And while it’s true that I – a fake American – also work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God, I am also a liberal, and so I guess this means that I only love my fellow fake Americans who work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God. But just the fake ones. Not the real ones. I freaking hate the real ones.
Finally, I’m also a feminist, and as such I’m a part of – as McCain called it – the “liberal feminist agenda for America.” And while I’m not entirely certain what is officially on the liberal feminists’ agenda, I’m guessing that it has something to do with not using air quotes when referring to women's health, properly funding the Violence Against Women Act, and not making victims of sexual assault purchase their own rape kits. And since I think those things all sound pretty terrific, then there you go. Strike three. Fake American.
So even though the evidence is clearly overwhelming, I must admit that I’m having a rather difficult time coming to grips with all this. See, I’ve always figured myself for a real American, so the discovery that I’m actually a fake one comes as a bit of a shock. I always thought that being a real American meant embracing democracy, being inclusive rather than exclusive, taking care of one another other, and having the freedom to worship how I want, think what I want, and love whomever I choose. Furthermore, I also thought that being a real American meant NOT CALLING SOMEONE UN-AMERICAN SIMPLY BECAUSE HE OR SHE HAPPENS TO DISAGREE WITH YOU.
But clearly I was wrong. Clearly, that’s just what us fake Americans believe in. Whoopsie. My bad!
Why? Well, first of all, I wasn’t born in, nor do I currently reside in, a small town. And according to Sarah Palin, she and John McCain "believe that the best of America is in these small towns...in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America...hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation." Now while it might be true that I once briefly resided in one of those “wonderful little pockets” of rural America – a magical place where no one was ever mean, apple pie grew on trees and everyone was as white as the driven snow - my tenure there was brief, as we had to leave it all behind for the big city – a terrible place full of Democrats, terrorists, Christian-haters, good schools, and jobs. Shudder!
But in addition to where I live, I’m also a liberal, and according to GOP Representative Robin Hayes, “liberals hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God.” And while it’s true that I – a fake American – also work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God, I am also a liberal, and so I guess this means that I only love my fellow fake Americans who work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God. But just the fake ones. Not the real ones. I freaking hate the real ones.
Finally, I’m also a feminist, and as such I’m a part of – as McCain called it – the “liberal feminist agenda for America.” And while I’m not entirely certain what is officially on the liberal feminists’ agenda, I’m guessing that it has something to do with not using air quotes when referring to women's health, properly funding the Violence Against Women Act, and not making victims of sexual assault purchase their own rape kits. And since I think those things all sound pretty terrific, then there you go. Strike three. Fake American.
So even though the evidence is clearly overwhelming, I must admit that I’m having a rather difficult time coming to grips with all this. See, I’ve always figured myself for a real American, so the discovery that I’m actually a fake one comes as a bit of a shock. I always thought that being a real American meant embracing democracy, being inclusive rather than exclusive, taking care of one another other, and having the freedom to worship how I want, think what I want, and love whomever I choose. Furthermore, I also thought that being a real American meant NOT CALLING SOMEONE UN-AMERICAN SIMPLY BECAUSE HE OR SHE HAPPENS TO DISAGREE WITH YOU.
But clearly I was wrong. Clearly, that’s just what us fake Americans believe in. Whoopsie. My bad!
1 Comments:
At least you know what you are. I'm having an identity crisis. I believe the same things you do, and am apparently an ugly shrew because I dislike Mrs. Palin intensly, but I live in a wonderful pocket of real America. SO am I real or am I fake?
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