Thursday, September 18, 2008
So get a load of this: 

 My department chair tells me that our principal has somehow dug up the cash to create READ posters featuring every member of our school's English department.  You know, like the celebrity READ posters,  but...not.  

From what I gather, we're supposed to come to work next Tuesday dressed to impress, so we can each be photographed by one of the (arguably) weirdest men on our staff as we clutch our favorite books and do our best to appear particularly literate. Those pictures will then be blown up, laminated, and displayed somewhere in our building.  

Our images looming.  In the halls.  Forever.

And quite frankly I can see why our principal thinks this a rather cute idea.  If I were him I would probably think so too, but the thing is I absolutely hate getting my picture taken. 

Hate. It.  

I hate it more than I hate Star Trek.  More than I hate Muzak.  Maybe even more than I hate cilantro.  It's really the #2 reason I could never be a model.  (#1, of course, being that I'd make all the other models simply dizzy with jealousy, sparking such massive walk-outs, tantrums and cat fights that the industry would be thrown into a irreversible tailspin. I simply can't have that on my conscience, folks.)

So since the prospect of having my life-size image displayed somewhere in my workplace gives my tummy the twitters, I've decided to instead focus on what book I might want to be clutching for all of eternity.  A quick scan of my bookshelf reminded me that my copy of Franny and Zooey is currently M.I.A., so it appears as if I'll have to come up with a plan B.  

Here's what's currently on the short list for plan B:







So, what do you think?  Which one should I clutch while I stare my forced grin into that camera?  Which one most screams Mrs. White?  Currently, #5 is leading by a slight margin, but there's still plenty of time to be swayed in other directions and this truly is important stuff.  

(I mean, you know - I wouldn't want to look foolish!)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm partial to "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories," though "The Satanic Verses" is a close second. The spirit of fun!

(If you absolutely hate the idea and feel uncomfortable, I'm sure folks would understand if you didn't participate...)


Blogger JMW said...

More than you hate cilantro?? Wow.

I, too, am partial to the lesbian horse stories, though you could really make a case for any of these. You have great taste in books.

Blogger Nathan said...

For your consideration:

The Joy of Sex

Anarchist Cookbook

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

How to Make Love Like a Pornstar by Jenna Jameson

Mein Kampf

Are You There God? It's me Margaret

Blogger Mary said...

I'm curious how angry aubergines are.
Do you get to pick where they hang it? Maybe you can have it posted in some stairwell that nobody uses. Well, except the pot smokers and the delinquents. Maybe that's not such a good idea.

Blogger Abs said...

Even though you hate Star Trek, I'm going to put in my small coins' worth...I like #5, but I have to throw a little wrench in and say that the coffin book is my fave.
And I definitely argue that you practice what look you want to have in your eye in the mirror for about an hour. 'Cause that's what Tyra would say.

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