Tuesday, April 29, 2008
inspired by this week's book: three time periods i am infinitely grateful i wasn't born into, because i'm fairly certain in them i'd fail

#1:  The Renaissance
Pros: 
Literary/Scientific/Artistic Boom
Jousting
Gallant Knights
Gorgeous Dresses
Beautiful Castles

Cons
Restrictive Corsets
Public Sewage (or lack thereof)
A Firmly Entrenched Caste System
Bear Baiting
The Bubonic Plague

Why I'd Most Certainly Fail
Hygiene would be my Achilles' Heel. Amazingly enough, water was believed to be bad for one's health, so people didn't drink it or bathe in it.  On the up side, this belief ensured that everyone spent the better part of their day sporting a healthy wine/ale buzz. On the down side, they stank.  My gag reflex is far too healthy and sense of smell much too heightened to live in an era where changing one's shirt once a week suffices for bathing.  And I don't even want to think about oral hygiene.  Honest to goodness, every time Gwyneth Paltrow and what's his name got down and dirty in Shakespeare in Love I couldn't help but imagine how rank their breath would be if all things were historically accurate.  My stomach turns just thinking about it.

#2: The American Old West
Pros:
Little to No Local Law Enforcement
The Romance of Charting the Unknown
Fresh Air
Adventure
Cowboys

Cons:
Little to No Local Law Enforcement
Small Pox
Indian Warfare
The Near-Extinction of the American Buffalo
Dying of Dysentery on the Oregon Trail

Why I'd Most Certainly Fail:
I've watched enough Deadwood to know that as a woman in the Wild West I'm either doomed to the brothels or the laudalin.  Probably both.  Thank you, no.

#3:  Colonial America
Pros:
Freedom from Religious Persecution (so long as you're Puritan, of course)
Mandatory Education for all Children, both Male and Female
and, um...Plenty of Cod....? 
(This is hard.  I'm pretty sure it would be fairly awful being a Puritan.)

Cons:
A God who Tests Us on Our Best Days and Loathes Us on Our Worst
A Dour, Black Wardrobe
Predestination
Three Hour-Long Fire and Brimstone Sermons on Hard Wooden Benches
A Constant, Oppressive Feeling of Paranoia
A Firm Belief in a Tangible Satan who Lives in the Woods, Possesses our Disenfranchised Brethren and Whose Hand Guides Our Every Misstep

Why I'd Most Certainly Fail:
Several aspects of my personality make me confident that I would have made a positively shite Puritan.  I laugh in church, regularly read "suspicious literature" (i.e. fiction), and, generally speaking, am a sassy, sassy lady.  Furthermore, I've always had a slight fascination with the occult.  No, I don't actually believe in fortune telling, but I have a working knowledge of palmistry and I know my way around a deck of Tarot cards.   Knowing me, I'd be dancing naked in the woods whilst conjuring spirits with my voodoo house servant.  Point me in the direction of the gallows, for lo, I be doomed.  


2 Comments:

I totally hear you on all three.
1) Kissing in any of these three time periods would be DISGUSTING.
2) How much Oregon Trail have you been playing on Facebook? I should add you to my wagon! :)
And 3) Ooh! Can you read my palm tomorrow? Fascinating!

Blogger Mary said...

I wouldn't mind living in the Wild West. I could learn to shoot a gun and I'm not afraid of hard work. Something like a cross between Laura Ingles Wilder and Annie Oakley.

OR I'd like to live in the time period that pasty white fat women were in vogue. I could definitely do that.

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