Wednesday, January 02, 2008
my new year's resolutions for '08
In no particular order:
  • Stop blaming other people for all my problems.
  • Start blaming God.
  • Stop referring to Oprah as God.
  • Stop hiding behind humor - it's far less effective than hiding behind tangible things. ┬áLike God Oprah.
  • Be more knowledgeable about current events.
  • Stop classifying TMZ as "current events".
  • Stop giving myself haircuts, for much like yodeling, some things are best left to professionals.
  • Cut loose and be more adventurous. Consider covering my entire back with tattoos or selling the house and buying a vineyard in Italy. Or, at the very least, stop organizing the clothes in my closet by the color spectrum.
  • Stop using sarcasm as a crutch. Instead, use something more appropriate. ┬áLike alcohol.
  • And as always, cry less, hug more, and try to kill fewer people.


3 Comments:

Blogger Mary said...

Nice resolutions!
I personally don't think yodeling should be left to the experts. I find it's a terrific way to get my husband out of the house when he's being fairly annoying.

Blogger Gregg said...

Well...I guess here is where I must take my leave, Mrs. White.

While I count finding your smart, funny, eclectic blog among the very few highlights of my 2007 calendar year (learning how to successfully milk a goat is the only other one that comes to mind), this entry has caused me great concern.

I haven't scoured the Internets for the exact numbers, but I imagine the percentage of people who keep all of their New Year's resolutions is quite low.

And as I read down your list, I nodded to myself, "Yes. Sure. Mmm-hmm. Can do. Yep." Then I came to that last one. And I was sorry that I ever made fun of you for liking anchovies.

So it's not that I don't enjoy reading your blog anymore, Mrs. White. It's more a matter of self-preservation, really. I'd kinda like to end 2008 in an alive state of being.

And since I'm sure you'll want to avoid killing most of your family members and friends, a sarcastic dork like me who's been reading your blog for only a couple months becomes a prime expendable target.

I figure you'll be ambling along the shoreline of Lake Michigan sometime this summer, managing your resolutions just fine, and out of the blue you'll pick up a smooth flat stone, and (secretly measuring trajectory and degrees of latitude and longitude in your head as you aim) decide to skip it into the water. Recalling your elementary school stone-skipping champion form, it'll make its way across the lake and pluck me in the temple while I'm enjoying a sunshiney day of Frisbee with my Frisbee-catching dog named Barney. (who I'll have to find before summer if this tale is to come true, because I don't have a dog, Frisbee-catching or otherwise.)

I'll drop dead and will be unavailable for NaBloPoMo 2008, and you'll continue strolling down the beach, resolution broken.

Nope. I can't have that. I'm selling my computer and moving to Idaho to become a potato farmer.

If you find yourself unhappy that your readership has diminished......blame Oprah.

Happy New Year, Mrs. White!

(and please pardon me for writing a novella in your comments section.)

Blogger Mrs. White said...

Oh no, you've completely misunderstood me. I count dorks, sarcasm and novellas as a few of my favorite things, and so you're quite safe. I promise I won't kill you.

At least not in '08 ;)

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