haiku of the week (or, the apocalyse is upon us)

It's stupid hot out. I've tried several times to write a coherent post these last few days, but the heat seems to have given me a rather severe case of ADD. With every degree the temps go up I can actually feel my IQ go down. It's so hot that I've taken to wearing sunscreen indoors because I'm fairly certain that the sun's UVA and UVB rays are so fierce that they are penetrating my roof. So where does this woman without air conditioning go for the few hours a day when she leaves her house? Why, the gym of course, where I sweat and sweat and sweat. Brilliant. Even more genius - this is the week that I choose to redo my entire deck. I got about as far as restaining it before I lost about 10 pounds worth of water weight and had to quit. Painting and sawing wood will have to be postponed indefinitely.

I'm pretty sure that the crazy high temperatures, the mildness of last winter and the devastation of last fall's hurricane season are no coincidence - the Earth is pissed off. We've finally gone too far with our SUVs and deforestation and Mother Earth has just turned into Mommie Dearest Earth; she's drunk, abusive and leaving us out of her will. Well, you know what Earth? This is America and we don't negotiate with terrorists here, so you best just back off if you know what's good for you. Here's a haiku that clearly spells out my disapproval with your recent behavior:

Planet, I hate you
and your bitchy rebellion
against pollution.

So take that, Earth.

(Dear readers, I'm so sorry. I'm pretty sure this post has made no sense whatsoever. Clearly, my brain has been turned to scrambled eggs. I guess it's time to put my head back in the freezer.)