So, I guess my little "secret" blog is no longer a secret, thanks to my husband. I've already gotten some feedback about my tendency to misspell words. Not nice. I'm fully aware of the irony of an English teacher who can't spell, but perhaps you, the reader, are unaware that my mom drank very heavily when she was pregnant with me, and the doctors said that it's a miracle that I can even tie my own shoes, much less string words together into a comprehensible sentence. So back off.
But now on with my story...
As many of you know, Nathan and I adopted a dog about 1 1/2 years ago. We thought it would be nice (not to mention cheap) to go to the Humane Society and rescue a dog in need. There we meet Chloe, who looked so sweet and innocent as she shivered with fear in her cage. When we were filling out the paperwork we were told that in her 6 months on this planet she had been abandoned twice. Now, many prospective pet owners may have heeded this red flag and kept shopping, but Nathan and I are both basically optimists, so we figured she couldn't be that bad. Besides, she was so cute.
It didn't take us long to discover her unfortunate oral fixation. The dog books claim that dogs chew your stuff because they love you. Freud claimed that oral fixations come from people who were breast-fed for too long (or was it not long enough?). I choose to ignore both of those "logical" explanations in favor of my own. I firmly believe that my dog is possessed by a demon. How else could she possibly know to ignore the items in my house of little to no value in favor of high-ticket items like cell phones, jewelry and eye glasses? Before today, Chloe had chewed the antenna off of three cell phones, mangled two pairs of glasses, and came damn close to swallowing my wedding ring once. We quickly learned to be much more careful of where we left our valuables.
I thought that I had learned from the mistakes of the past, and Chloe hasn't destroyed anything of value in months. But today, as I was in the shower, she struck again. Apparently someone (I'll probably never discover who) called while I was in the bathroom and Chloe tried to answer. I entered my den to the pathetic sight of my phone lying on the carpet in three pieces while Chloe was humping one of my pillows (another one of her bad habits - I guess she really does love me). So, on December 23rd, I had to jump into my car and drive to 12 Oaks Mall (which, if you're unfamiliar with the area, is a zoo on any given day) and hope that someone at the Verizon store could replace the antenna so I wouldn't have to pay upwards of $70 for a new phone.
I thought I gave my best flirty grin to the man at the service counter, but I guess I just wasn't his type. My 6 month old phone was declared beyond repair and I had to buy a new one. To add insult to injury, they now charge $10 to transfer your phone numbers when you get a new phone - robbery! On the upside, I did see the most amazing mullet I've ever seen while waiting for my new phone. It's too bad I didn't get a camera phone; It's an image you would truly need to see to believe.
So, I came home with a new phone (again) and $60 less in my pocket. So what's the Christmas miracle you ask? The miracle is that I haven't freakin' killed my dog. By the way, if you know of anyone who performs doggy exorcisms, please let me know.
Merry Christmas.
But now on with my story...
As many of you know, Nathan and I adopted a dog about 1 1/2 years ago. We thought it would be nice (not to mention cheap) to go to the Humane Society and rescue a dog in need. There we meet Chloe, who looked so sweet and innocent as she shivered with fear in her cage. When we were filling out the paperwork we were told that in her 6 months on this planet she had been abandoned twice. Now, many prospective pet owners may have heeded this red flag and kept shopping, but Nathan and I are both basically optimists, so we figured she couldn't be that bad. Besides, she was so cute.
It didn't take us long to discover her unfortunate oral fixation. The dog books claim that dogs chew your stuff because they love you. Freud claimed that oral fixations come from people who were breast-fed for too long (or was it not long enough?). I choose to ignore both of those "logical" explanations in favor of my own. I firmly believe that my dog is possessed by a demon. How else could she possibly know to ignore the items in my house of little to no value in favor of high-ticket items like cell phones, jewelry and eye glasses? Before today, Chloe had chewed the antenna off of three cell phones, mangled two pairs of glasses, and came damn close to swallowing my wedding ring once. We quickly learned to be much more careful of where we left our valuables.
I thought that I had learned from the mistakes of the past, and Chloe hasn't destroyed anything of value in months. But today, as I was in the shower, she struck again. Apparently someone (I'll probably never discover who) called while I was in the bathroom and Chloe tried to answer. I entered my den to the pathetic sight of my phone lying on the carpet in three pieces while Chloe was humping one of my pillows (another one of her bad habits - I guess she really does love me). So, on December 23rd, I had to jump into my car and drive to 12 Oaks Mall (which, if you're unfamiliar with the area, is a zoo on any given day) and hope that someone at the Verizon store could replace the antenna so I wouldn't have to pay upwards of $70 for a new phone.
I thought I gave my best flirty grin to the man at the service counter, but I guess I just wasn't his type. My 6 month old phone was declared beyond repair and I had to buy a new one. To add insult to injury, they now charge $10 to transfer your phone numbers when you get a new phone - robbery! On the upside, I did see the most amazing mullet I've ever seen while waiting for my new phone. It's too bad I didn't get a camera phone; It's an image you would truly need to see to believe.
So, I came home with a new phone (again) and $60 less in my pocket. So what's the Christmas miracle you ask? The miracle is that I haven't freakin' killed my dog. By the way, if you know of anyone who performs doggy exorcisms, please let me know.
Merry Christmas.
2 Comments:
People who can not take responsibility for there own failings often blame their mothers. I only hope that you, Maggie, are blest with many many children, so that you are forced to live a prefectly sinfree life.
I love you too, mommy!
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