Thursday, June 26, 2008
mrs white takes the 1939 housewife test, part 2: demerits
As you may recall, yesterday I ended in the middle of Dr. George W. Crane's 1939 Marital Rating Test, and the results (unsurprisingly) weren't so hot. After only being able to pick up 6 points in the merits department things aren't looking so fab heading into demerits, but l'm giving it a go nonetheless. Will I end with a negative score, creating such overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and despair that I swear off sarcasm and beer and gym shorts, quit my job, blow my final paycheck on aprons, and succumb to such a flurry of brownie baking, casserole making and sock darning that I eventually collapse, shivering with exhaustion on my immaculately clean Pine-Sol scented floor???

Gee, I hope not.  But for fun, let's give it a whirl anyway, and future consequences be damned.  

1. Slow in coming to bed - delays until husband is almost asleep - This seems like a squirrely way of posing a sexual question, Dr. Crane, and frankly that's none of your business. I'm awarding YOU a demerit, pervy sir.

2. Doesn't like children (5 Demerits) -  I love children!  Especially other people's children. Pass. 

3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly - You bet I do!  Fail.

4.  Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house - One thing I can never be accused of is wearing a soiled or ragged apron around the house.  My aprons are all lovely, pristine and wholly imaginary.  Pass.

5. Wears red nail polish - Like the little hussy I am.  Fail.

6.  Often late for appointments (5 Demerits) - If by "appointments" you mean "work," then yes.  Chronically so.  However, I prefer to call it "building suspense."  Fail (-5).

7.  Seams in hose often crooked - This doesn't really translate, however my bra straps are constantly showing, the tags are often flipped up in the back of my shirts, and my underwear has a nasty habit of peeking out of the top of my pants, so I'm fairly sure that if I were to ever wear hose with seams, then those seams would be hopelessly crooked.  Fail.

8.  Goes to bed with curlers in her hair or much face cream - If the modern equivalent of this is ponytailed and much day-old makeup that she's too lazy to wash off before heading off to bed, then yes I most certainly do.  Fail.

9.  Puts her cold feet on her husband at night to warm them -  Constantly.  And I have incredibly frigidy feet, too.  Fail.

10.  Is a back seat driver - Not particularly, no.  I have long since accepted that I was born without a sense of direction, so find it best to defer all directional decisions to someone else.  Furthermore - and I'm no expert here - but I'm pretty sure that driving from the back seat would be highly dangerous.  Pass.

11.  Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants (5 Demerits) - Nope. Only with old men at the gym.  Pass. 

12.  Is suspicious and jealous (5 Demerits) - You tell me - do I have reason to be?  Pass.

Grand Total: Negative Four.  A Complete and Utter Housewifery Failure.

Oh dear.  Well, at least I got personality, and personality goes a long way, baby. To the apron store!


Blogger Carrie said...

I bet if I actually tallied my score together, I would end up much less than you. Because I am kind of a horrible back seat driver, and let's just say I outsource some of the clothes mending to the person in the household who's got better fine motor skills. I'm pretty sure Dr. Crane would not approve of that!

Blogger Mary said...

My favorite Williams Sonoma apron met with a brutal demise last summer after a weekend of canning tomatoes. Seriously. So I figured as long as I was living a life like my grandma did as a newlywed, I wanted a frilly apron. Now I have 3 of them and my friend bought me the fabric, and accoutrements to make her one too.

Thank God I finally found a job!

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