mrs white takes the 1939 housewife test, part 2: demerits

As you may recall, yesterday I ended in the middle of Dr. George W. Crane's 1939 Marital Rating Test, and the results (unsurprisingly) weren't so hot. After only being able to pick up 6 points in the merits department things aren't looking so fab heading into demerits, but l'm giving it a go nonetheless. Will I end with a negative score, creating such overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and despair that I swear off sarcasm and beer and gym shorts, quit my job, blow my final paycheck on aprons, and succumb to such a flurry of brownie baking, casserole making and sock darning that I eventually collapse, shivering with exhaustion on my immaculately clean Pine-Sol scented floor???

Gee, I hope not.  But for fun, let's give it a whirl anyway, and future consequences be damned.  

1. Slow in coming to bed - delays until husband is almost asleep - This seems like a squirrely way of posing a sexual question, Dr. Crane, and frankly that's none of your business. I'm awarding YOU a demerit, pervy sir.

2. Doesn't like children (5 Demerits) -  I love children!  Especially other people's children. Pass. 

3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly - You bet I do!  Fail.

4.  Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house - One thing I can never be accused of is wearing a soiled or ragged apron around the house.  My aprons are all lovely, pristine and wholly imaginary.  Pass.

5. Wears red nail polish - Like the little hussy I am.  Fail.

6.  Often late for appointments (5 Demerits) - If by "appointments" you mean "work," then yes.  Chronically so.  However, I prefer to call it "building suspense."  Fail (-5).

7.  Seams in hose often crooked - This doesn't really translate, however my bra straps are constantly showing, the tags are often flipped up in the back of my shirts, and my underwear has a nasty habit of peeking out of the top of my pants, so I'm fairly sure that if I were to ever wear hose with seams, then those seams would be hopelessly crooked.  Fail.

8.  Goes to bed with curlers in her hair or much face cream - If the modern equivalent of this is ponytailed and much day-old makeup that she's too lazy to wash off before heading off to bed, then yes I most certainly do.  Fail.

9.  Puts her cold feet on her husband at night to warm them -  Constantly.  And I have incredibly frigidy feet, too.  Fail.

10.  Is a back seat driver - Not particularly, no.  I have long since accepted that I was born without a sense of direction, so find it best to defer all directional decisions to someone else.  Furthermore - and I'm no expert here - but I'm pretty sure that driving from the back seat would be highly dangerous.  Pass.

11.  Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants (5 Demerits) - Nope. Only with old men at the gym.  Pass. 

12.  Is suspicious and jealous (5 Demerits) - You tell me - do I have reason to be?  Pass.

Grand Total: Negative Four.  A Complete and Utter Housewifery Failure.

Oh dear.  Well, at least I got personality, and personality goes a long way, baby. To the apron store!