thoughts i had while watching five hours of daytime television as i assembled my new dining room set

People really require free DVD tutorials on how to use eBay?  Really??

Despite my intense hatred of her, Rachael Ray and I do have two things in common: the same haircut, and the fact that we both make babies cry.

Always point the big, sharp knife away from yourself while you're using it to cut open boxes.  (Don't worry; I'm fine, but that's not to say that there weren't some touch-and-go moments.)

If you're a convicted pedophile, you don't really have the right to complain about your bad reputation.  Furthermore, if you're tired of people discovering that you're a convicted pedophile, then perhaps you shouldn't go on Dr. Phil and announce to his entire viewership that you're a convicted pedophile.

If you're a member of the LAPD patrolling the transgender community, a good rule of thumb is that you'll catch more flies with a spoonful of honey than with a barrel of vinegar.

Screw the Swedes and their cryptically wordless and crudely sketched instructions on how to assemble their stylish yet affordable furniture.

Regardless whether it airs on Fox or Bravo, television shows that depict beautiful, stupid people who are competing over who gets to date or marry some other beautiful, stupid person are the lowest denominator of television.  I actually heard a guy on Bravo's vomit-inducing Date My Ex say, "Who she picks is symbolic of what she wants in life."  Really?  Thank you, Captain Obvious!  Now please explain to me how you ever managed to purchase your own private jet.

Assuming I can figure out a way to cryogenically seal my face so I can immediately cease to age a day, I could totally be an actress on Days of Our Lives.  Bite my lip while looking away forlornly half the time, then narrow my eyes in sullen rage the other half...yep.  I got that.

I've watched so many episodes of American Justice, Forensic Files and Cold Case Files that a) it's becoming difficult to find one I haven't already seen, and b) I'm pretty sure I could kill you, dispose of your body, easily get away with it, and do it all before supper. I'm not saying I would do those things, but that I could is all. 

Though I've taken my Internet alias from my favorite black widow, I still remain far from being The Deadliest Catch.